College Survival Guide

I originally wrote the following article for a website run by a friend of my, but I decided to put it here rather than there. But it is important for you the reader to understand who "we" are as I wrote the article in third person plural. Maybe I'll change that later.

There is a growing trend spreading through the hip subculture of America's youth. It seems that hippies and beatniks everywhere are finding gratification in reenacting the Medieval tradition of going to universities to learn various art forms. But as is the way of things, the coolest among us cannot do anything without poseurs following them. Our young liberals are hounded by copycat conservatives who follow them to college but insist on studying sciences, both technological and political. Seeing the clash of various types of people that occurs on college campuses, academic boards have decided to attempt to please both sides by making college life uncomfortably open and socially awkward to please the liberals, but also requiring an arduous work load and impossible hours to please the conservatives.

All joking aside, college is no joke. You may be excited about it coming when you graduate high school, but four years later you'll wish you lived as a poor man in Africa so you didn't have the privilege (responsibility) of educating yourself. Universities are full of heavily idealistic people who genuinely want to learn and experience life. Unfortunately, however, our culture is so based in fact and methodology that we feel the need to experience things on very concrete terms. You cannot simply go to college and learn. You have to prove you've learned, and sometimes that means making it look like you've learned so that you'll pass the class, even though you have no real grasp of the coursework. College is full of deceit and betrayal. A professor who loves your input and knows you understand the material will give you a low grade because he doesn't see it in your paper. And likewise, you will sit for an hour talking to your professor about how wonderful the class is and how much you enjoy it but then miss it the next day because you didn't feel like getting up before ten.

College isn't all bad. Don't let this article discourage anyone from attending college...especially since it in increasingly becoming the only way to get a good job. But if you think it's going to be easy then you obviously haven't gone to college yet. Either that or you're Asian. College will beat you down and make you cry. You'll stay up all night-not drinking or having sex like in the movies-but worrying and wondering why in God's name you can't fall asleep. You'll fall in love with people for no other reason than the fact they were a friend to you in a time of stress. You'll flip out on your roommate for things as simple as the fact you dislike his tastes in body spray. You'll fail to do papers, and do papers and fail, and you might even do a papier-mâché project...and fail at that too! But trust us, we can safely tell you that college is not like the movies: it's awesomer! You may think it's all about getting drunk and having sex, but really, the majority of interesting things that occur in college will not involve one of those...your sex drive, we're afraid to say, cannot be turned off. So, without further adieu, let us present you with the tips and tricks you'll need to get by during the four most gruelingly awesome-but still grueling- years of your life.

Actually getting to college may be one of the hardest parts about college. You see, no one actually knows how to get in. You certainly don't because you're only in high school. Your parents don't because they either never went or forgot over the years. You're high school teachers may know, but it's the end of the school year so you can't actually hear what they're saying anymore. You will call your intended college and get transferred from the admissions department to the financial aid department, from the financial aid department to the financial services department, and finally from the financial services department to the registrar who will rudely tell you that you need to be accepted before you speak with her. Right about this time, you will realize that no one-not even the faculty of the college itself-knows how to get into college.

The following is a guide for you kids trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with your acceptance to college and if "We've failed to receive your dorm fee" is a good or bad thing.

FAFSA is an acronym that stands for Financial Aid Fuck Shit Assholes. Or at least that's all you'll care to remember it as. Really, it's the name of the form that you have to submit once a year to qualify for federal student loans. But you're not going to figure that out for a couple more years, yet. Right now, all you know is that you fill this thing out and it gets you money-lots of money. But the FAFSA is not the only way to get loans for college, and that's where things get confusing. There are so many ways to get loans, and no one knows how to do it. Sure, you're probably thinking, "Well, I could call the financial aid department of my school and find out." Yeah, good luck kid. Tell you what: if you call your school's financial aid department and ask about loans, and the first thing they say isn't, "Well, um...did you fill out your FAFSA, yet?" then you must be Jesus Christ come again. Ok, that's exaggerating because there's a good chance the first things they say will be asking you to hold while they transfer you somewhere else. They just love to transfer people to other departments.

Anyway, the point is that you need to file a FAFSA in order to get money to go to school. Unfortunately for you, filing your FAFSA is a royal pain in the ass. It's just like filling out a job application only it requires even more information about you. Don't sit down to fill out your FAFSA unless you have documents with the following information on them:

-Your social security number (you really got to get around to memorizing that)

-Your parents' phone numbers at work

-Grandmother's maiden name

-Roster of pets your father owned since he was 4

-Your computer's IP address

-The average weight of a male African elephant's brain

If you should be found wanting in knowledge of any of these categories, the FAFSA's defense programming will initiate and kill you. You are required to know things about your self that you didn't even know existed. You will need to have greater self reflection skills then a Buddhist monk. Now go young one...go and learn your parents social security numbers. Find out how much each of them makes in a year, add it up, and then subtract arbitrary amounts of money based on various deductions that they claimed on their taxes.

No, not the title of the movie starring Justin Long that's about a kid who decides to make his own fake college (though that is a great movie that any college-goer should watch). Rather, we are actually talking about being accepted into a school. One day, you will arrive home, and your dad will tell you, with a proud little twinkle in his eye, that you got a package in the mail. This means that he knows colleges only send packages to people they've accepted, and if you didn't get in, they would have simply sent a letter in a regular envelope. You should pretend that you don't know this and tell your father that you'll open it in a little while so that he grows anxious with anticipation. Only after a solid six hours of video games should you open the package; hopefully by this point your father won't have had a heart attack and you can open the package with him and bask in all your accepted glory. But don't bask too much. Being accepted is only the first step in a painful process, and you need to understand exactly what it means.

When a college accepts you, it means that you are more than welcome to attend their school the following semester...provided that you can fulfill certain qualifications. After you got accepted, did you think you were done? Did you just sit around enjoying the benefits of being a graduate from high school by watching your Gilmore Girls DVD collection for a week? Oh, no dear friend. Being accepted means nothing. Read it again: nothing. What classes are you taking? Where will you live? Does the college even have you down as a registered student? Go dig out that acceptance letter from your files and give it another read through. (By files, we of course mean that drawer full of trinkets and doodles from the eighth grade that you call your "everything spot.")

Whoa! Would you look at that? At the bottom of the acceptance letter are instructions on mailing in a deposit to your school so that you can be admitted and then select your classes. "But I thought I was already admitted?" You ask in ignorance. "No," we reply in glory, "You were accepted. Meaning they are perfectly happy to admit you to their fine institution, once you pay them 150 dollars to show that you are serious."

Now before you get angry: no, your college did not trick you. They clearly told you that you were not yet admitted and gave you instructions on how to go about doing so. And no, acceptance and admission should not mean the same thing. You probably applied to more than one college, and more than one of them may accept you. Each of those colleges knows that you applied to other schools and that you're going to have to choose between them. For this reason, they don't officially admit you as a student until you start throwing around some bills. If they didn't work this way then they might reserve a space for you that could have been used on some poor kid from Nigeria, while you end up going someplace else. You bastard. And no, your college is not a bunch of money grubbing monsters for expecting an admission fee. This fee goes toward your tuition, so you had to pay it eventually anyway. They are however, money grubbing bastards for making you pay an application fee back when you first applied. How the hell could it cost 25 dollars to process an application? We picture it going like this:

-Man in the admissions department picks up a folder from a bin on his desk labeled "Applicants."

-He sees that the student has a GPA of 2.5 or higher.

-He places the folder in a bin on the other side of his desk labeled "Accepted."

-He pockets the 25 dollar check and goes to a bar that can cash it.

Ah, so you think that just because you managed to scrape together the money for that deposit, that you're home free? You disgust us. So anyway, what classes are you taking? Oh you don't know yet? Oh but, they'll probably tell you that when you get there. And what dorm are you living in? Oh, of course, you'll get to choose that once you go there and see what the residence halls are like. Just like you'll be able to decide on the spot whether or not you want to pay the extra 500 dollars a semester to have a single room. Wrong, wrong, and wrong! Get off your lazy ass, get all the information you have about your school together, and for crying out loud, turn Gilmore Girls off!

Remember way back when you filled out your FAFSA?...You don't?! You absent minded fucker! Well scroll up and re-read the section labeled "FAFSA" if you need some refreshing. The FAFSA doesn't necessarily cover housing. You may need to get a separate loan to actually go to college. It sucks, we know. You meet their academic standards, you have enough money to pay for classes, all your friends are going there, but you can't just live on the street if you can't afford housing. There's a story about a kid who tried to do that in England. He was eaten by wolverines. Even worse than this man's fate are the fates of the thousands of people who commute long distances every day just to go to college. Savage carnivorous rodents are nothing compared to two hour treks that involve public transportation. Believe us, you need to live at school. Now go, child...GO!

Oh, but wait, there won't be much point living there if you don't actually have classes. Remember, accepted means you're welcome to come, admitted means you're an official student, but you won't be much of a student unless you get...

Registration has to be one of the best parts of preparing for college. You get to choose what classes you're going to take for the first semester, which is wonderful because reading through all the course names before you actually know how awful they are is quite exciting. It makes you feel like a real college student. All your life you've had boring classes with boring names. In elementary school it was just "History" and "Science." Then in high school, things got a bit more interesting with "Civics" and "Chemistry." But now in college you're free to take things such as "A Survey Course of Ancient History of the Western World" and...well "Chemistry 101." Hey, the numbers in the title give it style, ok.

So, once you can pull yourself away from the latest gossip on Wisteria Lane or Sacred Heart Hospital-or where ever the hell Gilmore Girls is set-you can get to picking those classes. Now, since this is your first semester at college, you probably won't be able to take too many interesting courses. Your advisor will tell you that you need to get your gen. ed. (general education) requirements out of the way before you can take upper level classes. This is only partly true. For the most part you can ignore your advisor's advice and take whatever the hell you want (especially if you're a loser and have an undeclared major). But the university, in all its wisdom, has predetermined for you what things you can and can't understand and at what levels you can and can't understand them. The brainchild of this philosophy is something called a prerequisite. This is a class that you must take in order to be allowed to take another class. And no, registering for Chemistry 101 at 9:00 and Chemistry 102 at 10:00 doesn't count. You have to complete the entire course before moving on to the next one. And for the most part these make sense. You will need English 101 before you can fully understand English 102. You will need to take Statistics in Psychology before you are allowed to participate in a Research Practicum. These are just common sense. But why in the hell do you need English 011 before taking Introduction to Asian Religions?! You see, this is your first experience in how colleges don't know a damn thing about how to educate people and are just making shit up. Get used to it.

We won't go too far into detail here about registration as colleges will have you doing this under the supervision of an advisor. As new students, you will be required to go to orientation where people will hold your hand through the registration process. We just wanted to include a section here on selecting your classes to emphasis the three steps to going to college that potential students often confuse with one and other. First you are accepted, then you are admitted, and then you are registered. They may all seem the same to you. But if you treat them that way then you'll find yourself taking an accidental year off after high school in no time.

And so your big day finally arrives. You pack up the car, drive farther than you've ever driven, say a non-tearful but rather motivating farewell to mom and dad, meet your roommate, and then you go to your first...CRAZY FUN ORIENTATION EVENT!!!! WOOOOOO!!! The following is a guide for those of you who just arrived at college and thought, "What the fuck is this shit? Where are the tits and beer?"

That's right. Some sad, sad people can't understand that as an adult, who is away from your parents for the first time, you'd like to ya know...act like an adult. But at college orientation you'll do no such thing! Instead you'll play icebreaker games, watch someone sing the theme song from Fresh Prince of Bell Air for a free CD, and be given a lot of useless advice on how to make friends from upperclassmen who, considering the fact that they volunteered to help with orientation, probably don't know a whole lot about making friends. Seriously, if anyone tells you that orientation "Really helped me out," or "Got me to meet a lot of really cool people," then they are probably social misfits whom you should shun and never speak to again.

It is this type of scare tactic that makes people think they'll never make any friends in college. Why would they do this to you? Well, because coincidentally it is this type of scare tactic that gets people to join clubs. Oh, yes, those cutesy innocent dweebs that are leading orientation have alternate motives: they want to convince you of your inadequacy so you'll join a club on campus (that they're probably in charge of) so that they can see something they're passionate for grow as new members join (so they can feel like they have friends). So before you jump into any commitments that you're not ready to keep, let us present you with this little rhyme to help you remember how clubs work:

Whatever you do,

Where ever you go,

If you're in a club

Then THEY will know.

Look, do you have any idea how hard it is to develop a set schedule in college-let alone keep to one? You will already be lying to yourself about what time you're going to get up every morning and when you'll have your homework done by in the evening. Don't complicate things by joining a club. Participation in a club is something that follows you 24/7. It's there when you eat. It's there when you shower. It's there when you masturbate and wonder why you aren't having tons of sex yet. You are always part of your club and therefore always at risk of being asked to do stuff with it. You have no idea how meeting times are going to affect your life. What if they meet Sunday nights at 8 PM? Then you'll miss The Simpsons! And you have no idea what type of work they'll have you doing. "What's that? Can I make a thirty foot long banner to hang on the student center? Well, sure, that sounds easy enough." You can't afford to get involved with most of these silly groups. If you're not going to avoid clubs for your social image, then think of how it will affect your schedule.

Now, it must be clarified that not all clubs are bad, just the vast majority of them. For your weak-minded convenience, here is a list of "do" clubs and "don't" clubs.

The Dos and Don'ts of College Clubs

The Book Club: Don't. You'll have plenty reading for your classes that you won't be doing already.

The Karate Club: Do. You'll need those mad fast chopping skills to get to that last beer at a party.

The Poetry Club: Do. It's a proven fact that people who go to writing related clubs can't write. Listening to these people's awfully worded verse may be painful, but it will make you feel better about your own writing skills.

The Glee Club: Don't. If you are a talented vocalist then you don't belong with these tone deaf hacks. If you are not a talented vocalist then you will just be part of the problem by joining a glee club.

The Foam Sword Fighting Club: Don't if... You are looking to learn how to swordfight. You will end up learning more about Middle Earth and the frustrations of this club's point based sparring system than you will about swordplay. Do if... You already know how to swordfight. Then wipe them out...all of them.

The Fight Club: Don't. No matter what they do, no matter what they represent, they are automatically uncool for calling themselves "Fight Club." Unless they actually have Ed Norton and Brad Pitt (it has to be both) beating the shit out of each other in a basement, then you are above the likes of their cliché kind.

The Club Club: Don't. They may mean that they are a club of people who likes to go out to nightclubs. In this case, you shouldn't join because you're not 21 yet and the club scene may be-how should we put it-boring without alcohol. And then there's also the remote possibility that this club's name refers to the fact that its members like to go around campus clubbing people with heavy objects. While this may sound significantly more fun than going to a nightclub, you should still keep away from this organization.

Going back to the main topic, we feel we must say that many people have in fact met close friends at college orientations. It's not that orientation is all bad; it's just that it's useless. You will find that you'll meet some very cool people during these obnoxious four days. The thing is you would have probably found these people anyway, but since you're already trapped in a room with them, playing some stupid version of musical chairs in order to win a gift certificate to a donut shop, you might as well make the best of it and get to know them.

We would also like to note here that some prudent people attend their college orientations during the summer rather than right before the fall semester begins. We don't really have anything to say to you if you are considering going this route as very few people know the truth of what goes on at midsummer orientation. Most Americans are procrastinators or cannot afford to travel out to their school for a visit in the middle of the summer. While we do not know what midsummer orientations are like, there are rumors, all of which sound rather plausible.

Tales from Midsummer Orientation

1. They are said to have better chances of getting into the classes they want because they are the first to register, and therefore they have first pick.

2. They are believed to have formed closer bonds with their orientation friends due to the low numbers of people attending. Everyone is able to get to know each other much better. Sadly, these bonds are said to fade after they return home for the rest of the summer.

3. At orientation, some girls may find this first taste of freedom almost too much. Though the females remain unapproachable for mating, the males can scout out which girls will need their "emotional support" at drunken parties in the upcoming semester.

4. At midsummer orientation, it is said that the schools fountains flow with chocolate. Though others contest that the water is just brown from all the work the college is having done on the plumbing nearby, that didn't stop that fat kid who wears football jerseys all the time from drinking a cup of it on a dare.

5. At midsummer orientation, it is said that the leaders of the greeks (fraternities) go to their oracle (some dirty chick who's always high) and present her with an offering of weed in exchange for her divine gift of prophecy, which she uses to tell them descriptions of the people who will be joining their fraternity in the coming year. This way they will know who to look out for. After the prophecy is complete, they all bang her. So sayeth the fables of midsummer orientation.

The first year of college is, without a doubt, the most magical. It begins with you as a conservative, religious individual who still dresses nicely because you still feel the social pressures of high school. It ends with you as a liberal agnostic who, out of the options of "A. Caucasian," "B. African American," "C. Hispanic/Latino," or "D. Ape-person," would most truthfully have to pick "D. Ape-person" as your race due to your appearance. You will tell yourself lies about how you'll get to bed every night by 11:00 and how you'll get up everyday at 7:00, and how you'll eat three square meals and work out everyday. You'll follow this routine for about two weeks, but sometime during the first week of September, you'll make the transition to someone who goes to bed at 1:00 PM for your daily nap, then gets up at 5:00 PM for dinner (your only meal of the day not consisting of a caffeinated beverage and a pastry), then goes back to bed at 2:00 AM, after you and some buddies watched Troy for the fifth time, then wakes up once more at 10:00 AM, effectively skipping your morning classes.

So here we present some information for the lowest of college students: the freshman. Here's to not knowing what you're getting yourself into.

In order to best manage your course load each semester, you're going to need to familiarize yourself with the concept of a fluff class. Named for the late, great Francis C. Fluff, who famously loafed in one class every semester while he attended marshmallow making school causing him not to know how to make the confection solidify and thus invented marshmallow fluff which goes great with peanut butter, a fluff class is a class in which you deliberately decide not to worry about how well you do. This may seem like a simple task but is actually quite the art form if done correctly.

First, you're going to want to pick a class that isn't part of your major but also isn't too hard. Are you an Art History major and wondering why in God's name you have to take a Biology course? Well, have you considered doing poorly in it so that you will have more time to study art (Read: Experiment with alcohol)? Maybe you should. But here's where things get tricky. The class you pick to be your fluff class also has to be one that you can at least get a "C" in without trying. Now, you may think to yourself, "Well, I know Art History well enough that I could get a ‘C' without trying." But that's not how it works. Despite the fact that this article is going to repeatedly tell you that you don't have to focus on your studies, you still need to succeed in your major field. This goes doubly for you if you've picked a major as worthless as Art History. Buddy, if you don't make good grades in that then you're going to starve to death once you graduate.

So once you've picked a fluff class that both has nothing to do with your major, but that you can pass with your eyes closed-probably English 101-then you need to get your loaf on. What's that? English exam tomorrow and a math quiz the next day? Which do you study for? The math quiz of course. As tempting as it is, you need to ignore that English class's pleas to take it seriously. But wait. Why would you study for a quiz two days before you take it? Or at all for that matter? You see, this was a trick question. The correct answer would have been something involving video games.

If you are taking Psych 101, and you find it interesting and begin considering making it your major...don't! Psychology is a very large major and a relatively competitive field, and the sad thing is that half the people who major in it are no more talented in Psychology than most people who choose not to major in it. Why are so many people drawn to the field of psychology? Because every single human being in the world finds it interesting to learn how our mind's work. It's an intellectual field, and yet very abstract and philosophical. It makes you feel like you know something about the world when you can accurately point out when people are engaging in social facilitation, or deindividuation, or the fundamental attribution error. Just listen to it: fundamental attribution error. It just makes you want to smoke a pipe and sit in leather furniture with a bunch out haughty fat balding men and talk about why you think nativism is the future of understanding human thought and empiricism is an incomplete science. If any of that made sense to you and you are not an upperclassmen psychology major, then please join this wonderful field. However, if you were merely drawn to the concept of telling people all the things their doing wrong while getting to throw around big words as you do it, then get the fuck away from this field of study! If you would kindly leave these diligent scientists alone, they have important things to do, like locking a cat in a box without food until it finds a way out.

While you may have chosen English 101 as your fluff class, you will find it's big brother much more difficult to deal with. Really, English 102 isn't just 101's big brother, it's 101's big retarded brother who compensates for his mental illness by working out and does steroids that had a reaction with his prescription medicine and turned him into the Hulk. Yes folks, it is that bad. We at Illuminati Productions happen to have experts in the field of English 102 who, after years of research (3 to be precise), have finally found a working formula for passing this class.

The first thing our researchers noticed was effective in conquering English 102 was that they actually tried to succeed. That's right, they actually put effort into doing work. You see, English 101 and 102 are essentially writing classes. No matter how many times your teacher claims that you will be going over other things, you really will only spend approximately one day on anything that is not related in someway to you writing a paper (and that's the first day when you go over your syllabus). Every lecture your teacher gives, every essay and short story you read, every time your professor imparts on you a new nifty idea, like parallelism: all of these are to better you for the four or five major papers you will be writing that semester. But the difference between 101 and 102 is that you can bullshit your way through your papers in 101 and the professor won't care. Please note the use of "won't care" rather than "won't notice." This is because you aren't truly bullshitting as your professor knows full well what you're doing and is letting you get away with it in English 101. But in English 102, English profs will actually use their knowledge as PhD's and let the fury of eight years of collegiate study reign down on you and consume your papers with fiery red pens, the ink of which shall flow like blood over your writing, punishing it for any split infinitive, dangling participle, or use of the second person. You must actually sit down and put effort into researching your topic and carefully wording what you want to say (totally unlike this article). That doesn't mean, however, that you have to start on papers weeks ahead of time. Almost all of the papers submitted by our researchers in English 102 were written the night before or the day they were due. Now, our researchers are quasi-talented in English, so you average slack jawed yokels might not want to follow their example exactly, but starting your paper two days before it's due and finishing it the next day should work fine for the average bumpkin.

The second strategy our researchers developed was to pick the right teacher. Teachers who were more leaning towards the haughty end of the intellectual spectrum were found to grade more harshly than those towards the practical end. So pay attention to your English 101 teacher to see if he would be a good pick for English 102. Is he old? Does he wear a full suit to class? Has he ever thrown around terms like "saucy nave?" It may sound prejudice, but if your teacher is old fashioned, there's a good chance he will demolish your GPA if you take him for English 102. Lean more toward the young, the modern, and the lazy when you pick your teacher. You can never go wrong with a lazy professor.

As a final note on English 102, we would like to impart to you the true purpose of this class that our researchers have learned much to their horror. Your college knows that you can read and write. If you couldn't then you wouldn't have been accepted. So don't be fooled into thinking that English 102 is there to teach you anything about the English language. The purpose of this class-the only purpose-is to weed out the weak. Within English 102 you will find every basic academic techniques for making you miserable. Just as a wolf has the genotype of every dog bred from it, so too does English 102 have the potential for annoyance of every college course. It is the progenitor of annoying classes and hence the epitome of them. If you can survive English 102, you will have the tools you need to beat any of its grotesque children that have spawned with only fragments of its perfect genetic structure. Now you're starting to feel the anger burning inside you, and not just because I'm using words that you don't understand like "genotype," but because you're finally starting to see the truth. Failing this class out of spite will only feed it, for failure was what it was designed to cause. To truly spite it, you must ace it. But even then you are doing what it wants; even then you are operating within its system of control. It was designed for the weak to fail and the strong to pass, and so you pass because you are strong which is exactly what it wants. Just give up trying to fight it; it's bigger than you. And besides, it's the only way your college will let you move on World Lit so just suck it up and do your papers.

So you've survived your first year of college, had a nice summer in which you got to see all your old friends, and returned with a passion to learn and an excitement about all the perks you will get now that you're a sophomore. You do this because you are just a stupid sophomore who knows nothing about how college works.

The word "sophomore" is derived from Latin. It literally translates as "college's bitch." You see, you're not going to be enjoying any special perks now that you're an "upperclassman." And notice use of quotes to imply you're not really what one would call an upperclassman. You're still a newbie. Only this time around you're an old newbie. You're not high up the ladder enough to warrant any special attention from your professors or preference in picking your classes, but you have proven that you really want to be at your school by returning after the summer, which means they no longer have to try to please you and convince you that you belong there. Also, no one is going to hold your hand through the registration process. Your first meeting with your advisor may have been quite friendly, but this time it's going to be, "Tell me what classes you're taking and get the hell out of my office." Also, unlike freshman classes which are designed to be very large due to the fact that everyone has to take them, your classes will now be a bit smaller. And since juniors and seniors both get preference before you, you'll find that many of the classes you need to take will be closed, and the one's that are still open will either be conflicting with other classes or not have enough credits. Finally, when all is said and done, you will have a schedule that you're quite certain isn't physically possible to maintain.

So, to help you idiots who thought your second year would be magically easier, we're targeting this section of the article at you, the sophomore (college's bitch).

Scientists estimate that approximately 1 Billion students will change their major at some point during their education. What they don't tell you is that your sophomore year is the last responsible time to do so. Any later and you will have to sacrifice countless years of your life making up the lost time. As fun as college is, you don't want to be there for an extra two or three years.

If you're thinking about changing your major because you enjoy another field of study better than the one you're currently majoring in then the process of switching over will be simple enough. But what if you don't know what field you'd rather study? What if all you know is that you hate your major and want out as soon as possible? Do not fear, for there is a simple formula to help you decide. You simply need to determine whether your course is a Dark or Light side course and then you need to find it's opposite. What's that? You don't understand what a Dark or Light side course is. Silly you, all classes in college are either on the Light side or the Dark side of the spectrum. And each class has an exact polar opposite. So say you're studying Music Education (Light Side) and you find yourself growing weary of the prospect of teaching snot nosed brats in an under-funded music program for the rest of your life. All you need to do is embrace the power of the Dark Side and switch your major to Music Performance where you'll be able to bask in the glamorous world of song and dance.

Below is a simple chart to help you understand how each class falls on either the Light or Dark side and which classes are polar opposites of each other.

Light Side-Dark Side

Philosophy-Psychology

Anthropology-Archaeology

Pre-med-Biology

Graphic Design-Art History

Religion-Demonology

Architecture-Engineering

That should at least give you some idea of how the system works. If perhaps you don't see the genius of the Light-Dark system because, after all, it was just made up right now as this article is being written, then perhaps it would be easier for you to think of it differently. All you really need to do is select a subject that's close enough to what you're good at, but a shade different so that perhaps you'll enjoy it a bit more. Unless of course you absolutely hate the field you're studying. In that case, you're doomed. Sorry.

Ah, fraternities...What shall we say about you? Well, considering that most people are too scared to join a fraternity, there isn't actually a whole lot of knowledge about them. So, it looks like we're going to be journeying down that oh so familiar path known as Loveboat's Wild Speculations Lane.

So, from everything we can gather about fraternities, they are an homage to the ancient Greeks, who were the first people to institute university education. So, logic would tell us that fraternities can be broken down into paradigms that are modeled after the ancient Greek City states. Yes, of course! It's all so clear to us now.

First we have Sparta. These are your average meat-headed jock fraternities who dabble in suppressed homoeroticism. You can enter these if you want, but we've gotta warn you, if you don't think you can do fifty push ups after a keg-stand then perhaps these aren't the guys for you.

Next we have Athens. Historically, the Athenians were noble philosophers. Today, this translates into being a nerd. The Athenian fraternities are the ones that actually do stuff involving academics. Perhaps they're an honors society, or a Republican sponsored organization for Law students. Whatever the case may be, if you're seeking a high level of success and notoriety, these are the people you want to be with. Even if it does mean enduring their nerdy presence and general haughtiness.

Finally, we have Macedon. The Macedonians were not considered Greeks by the other city states until Phillip II kicked their asses and unified them into one nation. In modern times, Macedonians would be any fraternity that you look at and say, "I don't get it, is that like a club?" Most people don't know exactly what makes a fraternity a "real" fraternity, and not just a club. Macedonians are anyone who you might think of as a fraternity, but other people would not accept as being true "Greeks."

So, what actually goes on in frat houses? Well, we would assume that there's a lot of semen...everywhere. Along with the semen is probably also a strong presence of alcohol. Also we would imagine that somewhere in a dark corner is a highly frustrated student trying in vain to study for a very important exam while he attempts to block out the sounds of his frat buddy's singing the schools alma mater to him.

And that's all you'll ever need to know about fraternities...

The same as fraternities only with more exposed boobs. More specifically, more of your exposed boobs.

Have you're parents ever suggested that you go for your associates degree? Well, unless you're a nursing major, they are doing this because they think you are going to be a failure at life. Whenever someone slacks off a little and makes one teeny tiny mistake like say...getting straight D's all through high school...then that person's family begins to worry needlessly about him. You may hear a lot of talk from your dad about how you're "a huge disappointment" and about how you're "pissing money away with every class you fail." Don't listen to these wild accusations. Your dad's probably just jealous of all the hot young ass you're getting at college wild he's been stuck with nothing but you're old crone of a mother for the past twenty years.

Associates degrees are for people who aren't going to use their college education for anything other than a ticket into a better employment stratum. If you have a college degree, even if it's one that took a measly two years to earn, then jobs will hire you for no other reason than the fact that you've proven you have the ability to drag yourself out of bed everyday and accomplish work that you'd rather not do. If you are comfortable with this and honestly wouldn't mind working a middle management job for the rest of your life, then there's nothing wrong with that. However, for us winners, an associate's degree is a no go. So you tell your parents that you don't care if it takes you seven years and enough loans to amass as much debt as an indentured servant, you're going to get that damned bachelors degree!

Well, you've made it through two whole years of college. We're sorry to say that there isn't much new stuff that happens after that. Your classes become a bit harder, but they also get a bit more interesting. Your Junior and Senior years are more or less the same thing repeated. You may even notice your GPA going up for some strange reason as you begin to actually care about your studies. All the crazy stuff from the first two years is still there, and it's all fun, but nothing really new happens. So, instead of boring you with a breakdown of how much internships can suck and why applying for graduation doesn't make sense, we're going to attempt to tie up some loose ends and go over some things that didn't quite fit in anywhere else.

This section of the article is dedicated to you, the person who wondered how we could write a college article without talking about...

Ah sex, the shared passion of the entire world. Where would we be without it? Well, we probably wouldn't exist as sex is relatively necessary to produce babies. Most people can remember their first time. It was the summer of 1990. You were a randy little five year old, and she was a beautiful redhead named Raggedy Anne. You probably can't forget the beating your mom gave you when she walked in on you either. But it was worth it, wasn't it?

Sex in college is a little bit different from sex with a doll. In college, the only time a girl is going to lay there limp and let you have your way with her is if you've managed to get her very very drunk. Some people have ethical quarrels with the girls-to-ragdolls method, so we're offering you some alternatives.

The first thing that we need to address here is that, contrary to popular belief, girls don't care that much about your personality. If you were trying to get a girl to fall in love with you then that would be a different story, but this section is titled "Sex," not "Deep Relationships." Girls are, in general, more protective of their hearts then they are of their hoo-hoos. You may need to be Prince Charming if you want to take the plunge into marriage with a girl, but they are perfectly comfortable with Baron von Average taking the plunge into their pants.

The first step in becoming tolerable enough to sleep with is to be confident, or at least to pretend to be confident. A girl is all about maintaining her self-respect, and she's not going to sleep with someone who can't even introduce himself without spilling his drink on her shoes. Biologically she'd be worried because her genes are telling her that a clumsy man would be bad for mating because he would produce clumsy offspring. Practically she'd be worried because you might poke her in the eye while you're trying to find her front door.

The next thing you need in your arsenal is something interesting to present. This is like an offering to the female god who may let you eat of her fruits as long as your gift is worthy. Basically, don't be a boring person. If you have a hobby-almost any hobby-girls will most likely enjoy hearing about it. Be careful no to get carried away and talk your head off, though. Right around the time you start explaining the role of Gichin Funakoshi in spreading karate from Okinawa to Japan, like clockwork, your companion will tell you that it's getting late and that she should go, forcing you to go home and settle for good ole Raggedy Anne to satisfy you.

There are, however, a few hobbies that aren't worth mentioning to a girl since they won't impress her but will instead make her think you're a dweeb. Some examples are video games, stamp collecting, bottle cap collecting, rock collecting-just any type of collecting in general-drug usage, civil war reenactment, book clubs, model railroading, and kite flying.

Also, there are a few things that you might think are hobbies but aren't. These include going on walks, bathing, school work, sleeping, staring at light bulbs, watching Scrubs, and skinny dipping (No, telling a girl you're a amateur skinny dipping enthusiast will not make her more likely to swim naked with you).

Finally, you are going to want to find the girl who's right for you. And by that we mean, the girl who is most willing to do you. There are a number of things that are good indicators of how easy a girl is. Some questions you might want to ask yourself: Does the girl you're interested in wear thong underwear? If so, do her thongs often show over her pants? If so, do they show even when she isn't bent over? Is she a fan of the Beatles? If so, is she specifically a fan of George Harrison? Does she ever talk about Hinduism? Do her ears hang low? If so, do they wobble to and froe? Could your tie them in a knot? Could you tie them in a bow?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then there is a good chance that this girl might just be easy enough to sleep with you. If you answered yes to all of the questions, then you are one more question away from determining if this chick will let you ride your train all the way to Booty Time Station, or if she'll make you stop short at lousy Fondleburg Yard. That question is: Could you, in fact, throw her ears over her shoulder like a continental soldier? If yes, then its time to pound her like a butcher tenderizing some meat.

In your time at college, you may encounter a number of rather socially awkward classmates. They will ask strange questions at completely wrong times, continue talking when the teacher is trying to get everyone's attention, and may even end up having a confrontation with the teacher creating a painfully uncomfortable experience for everyone involved. Let us explore some character types that you may encounter in some of the most awkward classes of your life.

Old student

The college politely refers to these people as "returning students" but that's just a euphemism for the fact that they're well beyond the usual college age. Old students can be identified by the tell-tale wrinkles they display on their faces and necks. Judging by the attitude they take in classes, either they don't remember what college was like when they went the first time, or college was completely different twenty years ago. These ancient learners seem to be under the impression that college is some magical place of wonder and excitement and that you youngsters are all starry eyed students, who should be eager to engage in lively class debate, rather than just learning what you need and getting through this hell. Old students will grin widely while they ask a professor a question that they seem to be sure will be great to spark conversation, but instead makes everyone else role their eyes. Instead of cutting through the bullshit and getting down to the stuff you need to cover for a test, an old student will continue to derail the class on a review day, thinking that they are doing good to try to motivate you all to think deeply about the subject. Humorously enough, they are often far behind everyone else in their grasp on the material and may come to you and ask if you could give them some help. Do not help them! Maybe if they fail enough tests they'll realize it's because they keep pulling the instructor off topic with their God forsaken cheery attitudes. This is class; it's not supposed to be fun.

High kid

The high kid is normally always a guy. His defining characteristics are blood shot eyes and poofy hair. When he raises his hand, the professor can be noticed to sigh, role his eyes, or even pretend that he doesn't notice. When the high kid is called upon, he rambles on and on, usually slipping in some form of far left propaganda, until finally he just trails off inconclusively. This leaves the professor with the duty of explaining how what the high kid said might be related to what he was talking about and bringing the class back on topic. If you ever get the opportunity to punch a high kid while no one's looking, knock his ass out. He won't remember it when he wakes up anyway.

Aggressive student

The aggressive student is actually often a girl. While guys are used to their violent tendencies and can keep them out of the classroom, when a girl is found to be abrasive, she often can't seem to separate her anger from her school work. She is, quite simply, a bitch. She'll say things like "The text book is very expensive by the way. I'm sure it's worth every penny." She'll interrupt the teacher with things like "Well, how do you know? You can't prove it." And she'll generally cause those sitting around her to watch out for menstrual blood on the floor due to her apparent constant period. If you confront an aggressive student then you give her exactly what she wants. The only real strategy is to ignore her. Also, you can take comfort in the fact that she probably has terrible family issues, can't find a boyfriend, and is horribly lonely. See, you're smiling already.

Chronically late guy

Goddamn this kid, he just can't get to class on time...ever! He seems to target classes that are held in rooms with squeaky doors. This way, his entrance will always make a dent in class discussion. Not only this, but he'll often walk in front of the teacher to reach his seat, as if he has no clue exactly how annoying that is.

Kid who just doesn't get it

The kid who just doesn't get it is the complete opposite of the old student. Whereas the old student expects college to be some classical place of study hearkening back to the French Enlightenment, the kid who just doesn't get it thinks that college isn't even a place to learn, but just to get a degree and move on. You do actually have to learn some things in college, unless you're comfortable with just using your degree to get a middle management job. But if you want to actually do anything in your field of study, you need to retain some of the information presented to you in school. On the last day of class, when your teacher gives you a motivating speech and relates to you a story from their own life that helped them along in understanding the subject, the kid who just doesn't get it will be the idiot to raise his hand and ask, "Will this be on the final?" They should be beaten severely for this. It's the only way to cure them.

Oh hell, this is going to have to be a whole different hub. We can't cover the entirety of dorm life in a little appendix tagged on the end of this article. Do we smell a sequel...no no...that's just you. You really need a shower. But hey, this is college. Showers are not a requirement.