Stupid Slogans

I'm sure other people have noticed this. Stupid, stupid ad campaigns that make you roll your eyes so hard it feels like you're massaging your brain. I take special offense to these silly sayings as I firmly belief that business is half mathematics and half perverted psychology. The big fat business people of the world, with their cigars and town cars that I know they all have, seem to do the mathematics part pretty well. If they didn't then they would have never gotten to be big business in the first place...with their yachts and entire bank accounts devoted to paying off hookers who are blackmailing them. But their understanding of the psychological tactics that they're trying to employ seems to be lacking. If their psychological tactics were better, then maybe they'd hold less drunken parties on their yachts and pick up less hookers in those town cars. But all stereotypes aside, those coke snorting big businessmen need to learn how to make a non-corny slogan or else the world will degenerate into campy sayings that we have lost the meaning of. It'll be like Brave New World. Don't believe me?

Wassuuuuuuuup!

Gosh! You idiot!

Where's the beef?

Those are some catch phrases. People say them to be funny long after they're funny, which is never. But the scary thing isn't how some morons can't get it through their heads that the joke died a long time ago. It's that two of them are marketing slogans. "Where's the beef?" was one that actually made sense. It was commenting on how so many fast food burgers had so little meat in them. But it got stuck in the sticky pink sponge-like material that is our brains, and people began spouting it at random. Then, over the next decade, as society spiraled a little further downward, slogans stopped making any coherent sense. "Wassup," according to the Surgeon General, was the most annoying thing the planet has ever experienced. And shortly following it was Napoleon Dynamite, with his great movie full of not so great catch phrases. But we can't blame Napoleon Dynamite. It's not his fault that our society is at the mercy of hooker killing crack head businessmen that have caused us to find repeating random words that we heard over and over again hilarious.

I want to know that happened to the good old catch phrases. "Luke, I am your father" (even though the line is "No, I am your father") and "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." What happened to the days of "Take it off. Take it all off" and "Are you talking to me?" Sure they weren't funny and people who lack their own sense of humor would spout them at social gatherings creating awkward silence. That'll always happen. But those old sayings at least made sense. And do you know why. Because they occurred in a time when ad campaigns were "You'll wonder where the yellow went, when you brush with Pepsodent." Coherent advertisements make for coherent catch phrases which make for coherent human beings.

Let's examine some of the mind numbing bastards, now.

A company who's slogan should be attacking the obvious opposition of Gatorade is instead this: "Liquid Hydration + Energy Drink"

Let's examine that. First of all, liquid hydration, what the hell is that? I mean, I know what it is. It's water. So, perhaps they are asserting that drinking water is better than all those other ways in which you can hydrate yourself. You know, like eating ice or swallowing steam, neither of which would work anyway as ice would melt in your stomach and steam would condense. Both would revert to water.

And then we have energy drink. Which reasserts the liquid properties of their products. It's liquid, but not just any liquid; it's liquid that you can drink. They wouldn't want you confusing their product with bleach or something (which you would know is an understandable mistake if you've ever tasted Powerade). So they feel they must advertise their beverage as safe to consume, in addition to hold hydrating properties in a liquid form.

It's no wonder that their symbol is a sleek and chic upside down poop.

Yes, Checkers, yes. We do in fact require food to live. I believe in this campaign Checkers is expressing their anti-consumerists views. They are demonstrating how we, as Americans, are becoming so greedy that we are wasting time on pointless decisions such as where to eat and what to order, when really most places would do. It's called being a fussy glutton and Checkers will have none of it. If you're interested in learning more about our nations problem's with consumerism and the fussy glutton theory than please feel free to go research this topic right now as it is a major problem in our society. If, however, you'd rather hear me roast Checkers for why I actually think they have this slogan, then please read on.

Checkers hates themselves. That's the simplest explanation I can think of. They have such a low self esteem that they don't believe they have any qualities worth boasting about to try to draw business. "You gotta eat somewhere, so why not here? Our food isn't bad or anything. So please, why not just come in and give us some business?" This is what Checkers is saying with their slogan. So please, the next time you're going out to eat, throw them a freaking bone. They need the money, and not to mention the boost in confidence.

That's right. I'm about to attack the most powerful company in the entire world. Even the Freemasons don't mess with Mickey D's.

This is going to be a multi-facetted attack as these guys have had so many stupid slogans over the years.

A. i'm lovin' it!

*sigh* McDonald's, you can't use a pronoun without an antecedent. What the hell is "it?!" Is "it" McDonald's? Is "it" the act of eating out? Is "it" life in general? I'm not just being a picky grammarian here. I'm seriously asking, what the hell does this campaign mean? They're just taking a feel good saying that people have used before and trying to cause an association with the good feeling people experience when saying it and their company. And I hope you weren't fooled by the cutesy lowercase "I" and the replacement of the "g" with an apostrophe which is designed to appeal to a childish colloquialism and familiarity in us.

B. Put a smile on!

Well thank you McDonald's. I'm glad that you're concerned with my emotional wellbeing. Not only that, but you seem to be savvy enough with psychology to understand that just like feelings affect our actions, the process can work backwards and actions can affect our feelings. So in putting a smile on I may actually feel better about myself. This is some sound advice that McDonald's is trying to give us all. Of course, I don't think that I'll be smiling while eating a sandwich that has over 50 carbohydrates in it and more than 300 calories. Why that's just gross and I doubt would be the cause of smiling for many people. Of course, McDonald's has cleverly disguised their grossness with a happy clown and a slogan that makes us think they care.

C. Have you had you're break today?

OK, I don't want to criticize for criticism's sake. This one's not that bad. Of course, it's implying that we all want to have our breaks at McDonald's, but considering how huge the company is and how iconic it's become in our society, I'm going to have to say they're right on this one. We all do want to eat at McDonald's. It's the populace's own damn fault that the company's become so powerful as to make such a presumptuous slogan.

D. Do you believe in magic?

Now they are getting a little arrogant. To imply that McDonald's has magical properties is just silly. If they did then they could sell hippogriff burgers and soft drinks that change flavor with every sip and could be the flavor of anything in the world. I could see it now:

*sip* "Mmmm, vanilla." *sip* "Mmmm, pumpkin." *sip* "Oh no, rectum!" *sip*

Um, yeah, needless to say, McDonald's doesn't have super-powers. But if they did, then they could actually super-size me. I'd be like Ultraman or something.

It's in the game. It's in the game. Hmmm. Like most things, the more you say this to yourself, the less sense it will make. Of course, then you'll realize that it never made sense to begin with. Like McDonald's, EA Sports has trouble with antecedents. But it's ok, because also like McDonald's, their just using this slogan to appeal to your emotions and trick you into caring.

It's in the game. Just listen to it. It's got that edgy sound that makes great athletes...or at least that we all think makes great athletes. In fact, aren't most great athletes rather humble people who are too focused on achieving their goals to have time to worry about their image? Nah, I must be making that up, because everyone knows that the legends are people who spout one-liners that don't actually form any coherent thought but rather convey a tone of confidence and potential hostility.

Examples:

1937, Babe Ruth grabs a young fan by the collar and shouts "Obey your thirst!"

1972, Bruce Lee faces off with Kareem Abdul Jabar and asks, "You got game, bro?"

1996, Micheal Jordon dribbles a basketball down a court full of monsters and...oh wait, that actually happened in Space Jam.

The point is that sports slogan's have too much edge and not enough sense. Just do it, indeed.

Zoom-zoom. Yes, Zoom-zoom. Two, onomatopoeias that simulate the sound of a motor vehicle passing by at high speeds. I suppose that makes sense. I mean, plenty of companies show off the great handling and speed capabilities of their cars even though it's illegal to drive the way they do in commercials, and most people have no practical use for a car that can do half as much as we see them do on T.V. But still, Mazda's creepy little Zoom-zoom ad takes things to a whole new level by adding incoherence to the mix. And what's with the South African feel to the commercials? Is that where they get their slave labor?

So what does all this mean? Well, it means that we're all a bunch of idiots because these campaigns are actually effective. But I think that it also means that things could get better. Any average human who reads this article would think, "Yeah, some advertisements are kind of stupid. Heh heh, Zoom-zoom." But then they go and buy the product anyway. So we have two things at play here. 1. People are stupid and easily manipulated. And 2. People can consciously pull their heads out of their asses when they really want to see the world for all it's ridiculousness. So I propose this: combine these two factors. That's right. Make a slogan that is both catchy and sensible because the idiotic masses of consumers will be tricked by it's catchiness, but will appreciate it's wit and sensibility. I know it's hard to remember when you're sitting naked in a Jacuzzi full of money with some hot young number's breast bouncing in your face, but please corporate big-wigs, please don't numb our brains with your terrible advertising. We know you're probably very busy with your penthouse soirees, and paying off the government, but we need your help on this. So start advertising things for the good qualities that they actually have.

Powerade, like drinking Gatorade without the piss in it!

Checkers, we're probably healthier than McDonald's!

McDonald's, we feel no need to even compete with Checkers in advertising. We're just that great!

EA sports, better than actually going out and playing the game!

Mazda, we're named after the god of Zoroastrianism. Isn't that cool?

Ok, so maybe I can't think of many good slogans right now. But if I had a business and I knew that part of my profit were riding on how good of an ad campaign I came up with, but I also didn't want to ruin people's minds, I could come up with something good.

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